somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
how do you play pong handcuffed?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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