one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
