I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
