I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
