Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Sponge bath it is.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Randomize
