this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
