so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
