I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
