the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
