What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
