first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize