Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
