I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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