y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
