my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
