a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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