if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
