i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
