She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
