She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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