The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
