So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
