is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
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