youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
