He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
