Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
