Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize