btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
