i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize