Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
