It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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