You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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