Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
