My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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