He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
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