My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
