Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
