It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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