so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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