"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
be right there i have to get my cape
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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