highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
