I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
