I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
