What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
