so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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