i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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