Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
