I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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