I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
