Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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