I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
