She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
