Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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