just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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