I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
