i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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