kristin has been a bad kristin
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
