I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
My balls are so social today.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
