That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
