what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize